THE Joke thread

[cluezo]

Ok, it's inevitable: a joke thread.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip...


Your turn

[Kodos]

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bladdy good value that!

[Geordie]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Nana Plaza]

Worldwide pr0nography Revenues
Total revenue: $97.06 Billion
The pr0nography industry is larger than the revenues of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft,
Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix and EarthLink.
US pr0n revenue exceeds the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC.

Internet pr0nography Statistics
pr0nographic websites: 4.2 million (12% of total websites)
pr0nographic pages: 420 million
Daily pr0nographic search engine requests: 68 million (25% of total search engine requests)
Daily pr0nographic emails: 2.5 billion (8% of total emails)
Internet users who view pr0n: 42.7%
Monthly pr0nographic downloads (Peer-to-peer): 1.5 billion (35% of all downloads)
Internet pr0nography Sales: $4.9 billion

pr0nography Time Statistics
Every second - $3,075.64 is being spent on pr0nography
Every second - 28,258 Internet users are viewing pr0nography
Every second - 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines
Every 39 minutes: a new pr0nographic video is being created in the United States

Adult Internet pr0nography Statistics
Men admitting to accessing pr0nography at work: 20%
US adults who regularly visit Internet pr0nography websites: 40 million
Breakdown of male/female visitors to pr0nography sites: 72% male - 28% female

Women and pr0nography
Women keeping their cyber activities secret: 70%
Women struggling with pr0nography addiction: 17%
Percentage of visitors to adult websites who are women: 1 in 3 visitors
Women admitting to accessing pr0nography at work: 13%

[zaphodbeeblebrox]

Sometimes it is the little offhand remarks that do it!

And that's how the fight started.....

1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...so, I took her to a gas station...and that's how the fight
started...

2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how
the fight started...

3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your
shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly
told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,
'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability,
too'. And that's how the fight started...

4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my
old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!'
says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started...

5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of hi s car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well
I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car,
looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at
him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight
started...

6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started...

:popcorn:

[English Bob]

'pom seu yaa meuwan, paeng maak hok meun baht'

'wow yaa arai?'

'yaa-maha'

[Nana Plaza]

My wife is a minger. Should I run away to Thailand?

This is the question that many men ask themselves each time they put down their heavily-soiled copy of Asian Babes.

Do you have what it takes to start a new life in the exotic East?

Yes? Then why not put yourself to the test.

1. Do you want to teach English and get paid with pretty sea shells and colourful beads?

2. Do you like shy girls who hide behind towels and only let you get it in half-way?

3. Do you want to live with a raddled prostitute who cheats you into financial ruin before buggering-off back to her drug-dealing Thai boyfriend?

4. Do you want to become a fat, tedious, no-mates twat with a bottle of Chang beer welded to your hand?

5. Do you want to amuse the ladies of the Nana Disco with your ridiculous dyed comb-over whilst trying to coax them back to your filthy cinder-block cell for a grudging sympathy-fuck?

6. Do you want to buy a dream bar, go broke and stage a dramatic death-plunge from your Pattaya balcony?

If you can answer yes to at least three of these questions, then get ready to pack your bags. You're off to live in Thailand!

An oldie but a classic!

[hhfarang]

4. Do you want to become a fat, tedious, no-mates twat with a bottle of Chang beer welded to your hand?

Oh dear... that one hits a little too close to home... maybe it's time for a change of lifestyle!

[dogblower]

1. Do you want to teach English and get paid with pretty sea shells and colourful beads?

2. Do you like shy girls who hide behind towels and only let you get it in half-way?

3. Do you want to live with a raddled prostitute who cheats you into financial ruin before buggering-off back to her drug-dealing Thai boyfriend?

4. Do you want to become a fat, tedious, no-mates twat with a bottle of Chang beer welded to your hand?

5. Do you want to amuse the ladies of the Nana Disco with your ridiculous dyed comb-over whilst trying to coax them back to your filthy cinder-block cell for a grudging sympathy-fuck?

6. Do you want to buy a dream bar, go broke and stage a dramatic death-plunge from your Pattaya balcony?

If you can answer yes to at least three of these questions, then get ready to pack your bags. You're off to live in Thailand!

Umm ... none of the above. Does this mean I have to leave?

[English Bob]

Somewhere is deepest, darkest Afghanistan, Mullah Omar and Osama Bin Laden are skulking about on a mountain with hundreds of their evil henchmen and soliders.

Suddenly from behind a small ditch, an unknown voice shouts :

"One British Royal Marine is worth a 100 Taliban!!!"

The two evil leaders are infuriated, and Osama Bin Laden sends a few dozen of his best henchmen to dispatch the infidel. "Go kill that idiot. And bring his head back on a stick"

The henchmen walk over the ditch, and much automatic gunfire, explosions and bloody slaughter is heard. Five minutes of silence pass, and then the same cocky voice is heard :

"Ha! Didn't you hear me mate?! I said ONE British Royal Marine is worth a HUNDRED Taliban!!!"

Osama is embarassed, and Mullah Omar has lost his patience, instructing his men to rip the infidel to pieces. The One-eyed Mad Mullah gets 200 of his cracktroops and leads them storming over the ditch, spraying hails of gunfire and mortars over it as they advance.

A WWIII type battle ensues, blood, guts and limbs go flying, and for Osama trying to work it all out (but the view being obscured by the ditch) the result seems uncertain. It goes deathly quiet, with just the sound of heavy breathing. Then in the shadows, the solitary figure crawls towards Mr Bin Laden in a manner suggesting a very fatal wounding.

Osama rushes forwards, and shakes the dying Mullah Omar. "What happened? What happened?!?!?!"

With his last breath he explains....

"It was a perfidious infidel trick Osama....

- There were... TWO of them!!!!"